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just another old phart
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This topic has been making the rounds on rally-l, but for those of you who don't or won't read it, I thought it was too good not to share. Al Kintigh posted this and hopefully he won't mind my sharing it with y'all:

Lucas Humor

The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

Lucas denies having invented the darkness. But they still claim the "sudden, unexpected darkness"

Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.

Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker and Off. The other three switch settings - Smoke, Smolder and Burn.

The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.

"I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou...

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo - It sank!

It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they meet too much resistance.

Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night,as they all look the same ?" "He replied, it does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"

Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.

QA called and told the Engineering they had trouble with his design shorting out so he made the wires longer.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: " Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant.."

Lucas systems actually use AC current; it just has a random frequency that's all.

Why do the English drink their beer WARM? Because their refrigerators are made by Lucas

Kent Gardam
 

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You forgot one that I thought was good.


A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and, as I read it,
the realization of a basic truth came over me. It was SO simple, SO
obvious we couldn't see it!!! John Knivien, Chairman of Polamar Repeater
Club, an amateur radio group, had discovered how Integrated Circuits (IC's)
really work. He says that smoke is the thing that makes IC circuits work
because every time you let the smoke out of one, it stops working. He
claims to have verified this with thorough testing.

I was flabbergasted!! Of course, smoke makes all things electrical
work!! Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage
regulator?? Didn't it quit working?? SEE!!! I sat and smiled like an
idiot as more of the truth dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries
the smoke from one device to another in your Mini, MG, Triump or Jag. When
the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out of everything at once and
then nothing works. That starter requires large quantities of smoke to
operate properly and that's why the wire going to it is so large.
 

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RE: OH... good!

I made a T-shirt that I wear while driving my Lotus that has the Lucas logo on the front and on the back it says "I am not afraid of the dark" But so far prince Lucas has been good to me
 

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RE: OH... good!

Lucas gets a bad rap. Most electrical gremlins I've seen in my half-dozen or so Lucas cars have been from bodge repairs by previous owners with wire from household extension cord.

Besides, every drive should be an adventure.

ACP
www.musketeerracing.com
Flirting with the laws of physics.
 

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Let's just say that Lucas electrics don't tolerate fools. The jokes are old and losing their humor. Shall we start poking fun at Japanese sheet metal...something more useful as sandwich wrap??? Or how about American styling...right off the ugly tree.
 

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Big Jump 800
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Yeah! Poor Phil's out there with even older technology than ME and we all sit around and poke fun at his electricals! Cut him some slack!

Next topic; Cheap Japanese Steel:

How may Bud Light cans does it take to build a Honda Civic?

J.B. Niday
www.nidayrallysport.com
 

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3/14=my 42nd rally anniversary
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Better - What's the similarity between Coors Light Beer and making love in a canoe?

Come one Phil! Test # one for being a British car fancier is learning to ignore all those Lucas refrigerator jokes! We all love to see you 'B' out there giving Wot For ...

Halley ...
http://www.realautosport.com
 

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>Better - What's the similarity between Coors Light Beer and
>making love in a canoe?
>
>Come one Phil! Test # one for being a British car fancier
>is learning to ignore all those Lucas refrigerator jokes!
>We all love to see you 'B' out there giving Wot For ...
>
>Halley ...
>http://www.realautosport.com



There both F'n close to water:+
 

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You're right MM, sorry if I got a little testy about the King of Darkness. But it is a fact that the only part of our rally car that has really given any trouble is the motor...and I suspect that's just because I'm pushing its design envelope with the mods I've done to it to the point where reliability isn't going to be a strong suit in a rally duty cycle (after all, that poor old B block was originally only designed to hold 1100 cc...in the MGB it was 1798 and the factory only raced on 40 overs. I'm way beyond that. The electrics, on the other hand, have been flawless <now watch that statement rise up and bite my arse at Maine...>)

By the way, the only gynecologist joke I still like is the one about building engines through tailpipes...the rest, well....
 

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3/14=my 42nd rally anniversary
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>The electrics, on the other hand, have been flawless <now
>watch that statement rise up and bite my arse at Maine...>)

Absolutely - and if the Rallye Gods don't getcha, the ghost of Herr Lucas is sure to!

>By the way, the only gynecologist joke I still like is the
>one about building engines through tailpipes...the rest,
>well....

Building engines through tailpipes huh?? Jeesh ... I sure hope that vision doesn't pop into my head an inopportune time some evening ...

Halley ...
http://www.realautosport.com
 
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