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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Found this in http://www.omgc.info/dashpot/MG_News_January_2004.pdf

How to Rally in a?..

Austin Healey 3000: At the start, make sure that you have been given a "Special
Rally Route". Say the TR4 is not a true sports car.

Citroen: Wear a dark trench coat and smoke Algerian cigarettes in a holder. Say
"Sacre bleu", and "Mon dieu, why do zay not up ze average ici?" Call your navigator
"Francois". Walk up to controls making little hydraulic noises to yourself. Know how
to pronounce "Citroen".

Corvair: Be familiar with such expressions as "4-speed stick" , "simulated wire
wheel covers"*, and "heel and toe bracket". Carry three fan belts over each
shoulder. Know where Monza is, and how to spell "Spyder". Say the Ford Falcon is
not a true compact. (*Optional at extra cost).

Ferrari 250GT: Scream into corners gesticulating madly with both hands. Call
your navigator "II passagiere", and ask him, "Ayy Luigi, vats-a-matta, you crazee?"
Tell everyone that you finished the Canadian Winter Rally. Say, " Ayee pizan, dat-a-
da-real-a-fazazz", and "Mama mia, am-a start opp in-a f if t again!"

Ford Falcon: Run with straight pipes and at least 3 degree rake. Know how to
pronounce "Ljungfeldt". Be familiar with expressions such as, "simulated wood-
rimmed steering wheel"*, "total performance", (memorize this) "King of the
Mountains", King of the World", "King". Carry suitcases full of shock absorbers.
Never rally with less than 9 driving lights. Streamline the car with racing stripes.
When asked, be familiar with such things as "Weber carburettors", "fibreglass", and
"Mini-Cooper". (*Optional at extra cost).

Jaguar XKE: Shift slowly. Know how to use the throttle to play "Rule
Britannia" on the exhaust pipes. At night, turn off the headlights and fly by the
instruments. Avoid rough roads. Call the rally organizers "stupid clots". Fill the
windscreen washers with Gin and Tonic. Say, "Every troo spohts cah has thrrree
windscreen wipahs".

MG B: Wear a rubber skin diving suit and carry skis on the boot. Say
the TR4 is a
useless piece of ####.

MG TF: Wear baggy, tweedy pants, and an "old school" cravat. Have
straight hair and smoke a pipe. Say, "No true sports car has roll-up
windows". Carry
an inner tube patching kit.

Mini-Cooper "S": Make sure everyone knows who you are even
without your car
on. Be diabolical. Suck everyone into turns at 80 mph. Know how to come out of
such turns. Avoid large potholes. Avoid large dogs. Wear a turtle-neck sweater and
grin incessantly (except when being passed on a straight road). Talk Irish. Say,
"Look ma, --- no springs", and "Mini go bra!"

Porsche: Look like a count. Wear black boots and an "Iron Kreuz". Shift gears
rapidly and constantly, even when not in the car. Say, "lee Porsche iss ze essence
of efreesing vas a motorcar ist" , and "Vhy ze rhally instructions alviss in Enklishist??

Renault R8: Be daring. Wear a blue beret and wraparound sunglasses. Say,
"Zut", and "Alors!", and "Chacon a son Renault!". Hang the tail well out on all
corners. Mince up to everyone in sight and whisper into their face, "Disc brakes!"

Saab: Flip the car at the slightest opportunity, especially when passing
controls. Know what "Saab" stands for. Look like Eric Carlsson. Say, "Ring-a-ding-
ding-ding" , and "Vell, ay vas yoost korning round de korner ven ay see dis ant

TR 4: Turn up your nose at "sporty compacts". Arrive at every control half an hour
early, drifting in sideways and showering the control car with gravel. Say, "Ruddy
good sport!", and "Ripping good fun", and "I say, you chaps wouldn't have any bitter
lemon would you?"

Triumph Spitfire: Turn 24 foot circles around the control car, rolling the
windows up and down furiously. Act sassy.

Valiant: Wear a black driving suit with luminescent stripes. Try to sell Valiants.
Look important. Drive at 100 mph plus. Tell every checkpoint it is at least 7 1/2 feet
out of position, and that their watch is 2 seconds slow. Never rally with less than 3
Haldas. Streamline the car with racing stripes. Scribe cracks in the windshield and
hammer dents into the roof. Look tough.

Volvo P1800S: Be friendly. Pull over for everyone. Have Irish coffee and buns
with every control, whether on or off route. Say your car is "just darling". Always
carry at least 250 Ibs. of maps. Never give up.

Volvo 122S: Wear your safety harness even when not in the car. Distribute
illustrated folders of the 1964 Shell 4000 rally. Snap your fingers and say, "L'
acceleration comme ca!" Say your navigator is a product of superb Swedish
engineering. Outrun other compacts and make them cough.

V W 1200: Be fanatic. Be dependable. Run flat out all the time (3600 rpm). Chew
voraciously on chunks of "knackwurst and kase" . Call your navigator, "Ein
dummkopf". Call the exhaust pipes "Huspuffrohren". When asked, be unfamiliar
with such things as "economy car", "oversteer", and "wind sensitivity". Slide
sideways around corners yelling, "Wolfsburg uber alles!" Say the
Porsche is an expensive VW . Say the Ford Falcon is not a true fastback.

V W 1500: Be fluent with such expressions as "twin carburettors", "twin trunks",
and "S". Challenge people to find the engine. Know how to find the engine.

Ramber American:
Nobody rallies in a Rambler American.

Flirting with the laws of physics.
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